Thursday, July 29, 2010

(not) Getting Things Done At Work

Salutations my dedicated, mistreated readers. I'm back! The last week has been terrifying and involved a  lot of me getting from one place I didn't want to be to another I place I wanted to be even less where I would then carry around two heavy recording tools and a large stick with legs to make memories of things I have no intention of remembering. If you're a bit slow and haven't already guessed, I'm a photo/videographer. Now that the 60th anniversary of diplomatic relations between the United States and Cambodia (true story) has ended, I find myself released from my bonds of harried servitude and therefore able to pay more attention to the things I love, you.

I've decided to celebrate my return to the desolate, dicouraging world of internet obscurity by taking you through the many risks of having an internet connection and/or access to glue at the office.

Prior to this week of uninhibited governmental celebration, my office time was largely spent wandering bleary-eyed across the vast landscapes of the internet searching for entertainment; I had completed my assigned tasks within several minutes of having been received them, and therefore had nothing to do almost all of the time. Thankfully, the internet was more than happy to oblige my desire for entertainment. In the beginning, I was startled and confused to find that I could use the internet for more than just pleasuring myself to video games porn, but I soon got used to it and became a professional pioneer of its virtual safaris. I mastered the art of moving from one page of entertainment to the next without faltering and having to start over. A typical session of internet perusal (last wednesday) may go as follows:

I started at Cracked, which I adore, and embarked on my adventure from a Linkstorm, which leads me to a topic of vital importance. After reading through the article and staring at the pretty pictures, I am inspired to do something with my hands. After a quick search through my low-quality office supplies, I found an item with the potential entertainment value of The Pianist with clowns instead of nazis and an even greater focus on Adrien Brody's nose.

You know you would watch this.

I glanced around my desk in search of something to anoint in my newly found glue, and my eyes alighted upon a staple sculpture I had created several days before. It is at this time that I am faced with the certainty that the glorious structure, in all its pointy wonder, would be best immortalized in a shower of Chainteef Office Brand Water Glue. 

Modern Art

Disappointed by my creation of something that was much to ahead of its time to be displayed in a museum, I allowed my mind to wander while staring at the half-empty bottle of glue slowly leaking onto my pants, which is alright because their the kind of pants that suffocate one's groin all day. Amid the thoughts of my own impending, pants-derived infertility, I struck genius. I would pour the remaining glue all over my hands and think it through later.

After fashioning a pair of glue gloves like we all did in grade school, I did the thing we all did next; I rubbed my hands together and fashioned the glue into a ball. A ball which functioned more effectively than any professionally crafted bouncy ball ever has. The only downside is it instills in peeping coworkers the unwavering idea that you had just picked your nose and began playing with the findings. 

Shiny strawberry lip balm included for reference.

My glue ball lasted me about 25 minutes before it hardened and it became unusable. After some tears, I was able to pursue my nagging desire to learn more about making your own gloves; back to the internet. I found phone gloves which were disappointingly unwieldy, which led me to recycled decor, which gave me ideas for my own home decoration endeavors. The recycled decor led me to, from a link to an article on another site, something that made me want to punch a woman in the eye, and then not apologize.

If you have a job, and there is a 77% percent chance you don't, you know exactly what I am talking about when I say that the internet and mundane office supplies can entertain for hours on end, especially when you have work to do. 

Hmm, I must say, my return to internet failure is not well-represented by this rather mediocre article, but I am going to post it anyway because I am vindictive. Vindictive as, well, those women who shave and dress and dye their poodles.
I'll produce a work of quality shortly.

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