Saturday, July 10, 2010

Agony of Choice: One Man's Quest For Audio Superiority

Having recently replaced my stolen iPod with an even better one (a royal "fuck you" to the thieves), and also finding myself suddenly not broke, I decided it was time to get a set of speakers that would make music Ke$ha proud. After asking around, I was told that speakers could be found at Sorya, a shopping center close by. Desperate for the cheap prices I presumed could be found in a Cambodian shopping center, I immediately nabbed a tuktuk to Sorya. On the Fourth floor are found electronics ranging from fecal earphones to holy-shit-I-need-to-change-my-pants headphones to look-at-that-TVs. After locating several purveyors of iPod speakers, I began my rigorous review phase:

The first set I encountered was really just a speaker. What attracted me to the iMax Mini was a large warning on the box claiming "Unbelievably Loud". Eager and aroused, I plugged it in to my iPod and was regaled with the  quietest, most distorted tale of a woman waking up in the morning feeling like a popular hip hop artist and then proceeding to brush her teeth with booze, that I have ever heard.
"Warning: Will Ruin Erection"

My arousal shattered, I refused the tiny Droideka; I wouldn't want Ke$ha to be offended.
"Oh no you didn't"

Feeling a bit depressed, I moved on to the next purveyor and found this:
"Money to buy it not included"

This JBL model (probably not a real one) proved to have startlingly big sound with great quality for such a tiny dock and my erection swiftly returned. I turned to address the store clerk, who turned out to be breathlessly attractive. I looked from the clerk to the dock to the clerk again, and my erection was conflicted over what to be more aroused by. I settled for both equally. 

Finally regaining the ability to speak, I asked her how much the dock cost. 
139 dollars. 
I decided it was imperative that I not show this beautiful store clerk that I wasn't made of money, so after almost a minute of silence in which my face struggled to remain unchanged, I told her I would come back if I couldn't find a better, definitely more expensive one. Because I'm absolutely loaded. 

I flashed her a smile and departed, with no intention of returning. 

After judging several more models, I began to feel like I would never find the right speakers for me. They were all either too expensive, too shitty, or too looks-like-a-Pokemon (which would be awesome if I could be sure no woman would ever see it ever). 
"She won't be fondling your Pokeballs"

On the verge of giving up, I found this:
"Your arousal is justified"

The ExtremeMac Studio. I knew it was love at first sight. The following is the series of events that followed my discovery of this dock:
Search for dock. The fucker comes out of the bottom when you push it. Awesome.
Test. Holy shit that's loud! And the quality is great! Awesome.
Charging is supported! Awesome
A remote too!? Awesome. *Adjusts pants to facilitate straining arousal*
Check the voltage. 100-240! It'll work in the US! Awesome!
Cost. 70 dollars. Change of pants necessary.

Needless to say, I bought them and they are now situated on my nightstand, playing my music Ke$ha oh so beautifully.
"Those speakers make even my shit music sound decent"

Maybe now she'll spend more time wanting to marry me for my speakers and less time ruining the music industry.

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