The first class I had this semester was Women's Studies. It has come to my attention that this is the only class I am going to have to put more than a little effort into; with 5 men to about 20 women, 10 of whom appear to be angry lesbian feminists, just doing the work is not going to be enough.
According to many feminists I have met, my penis strikes any argument I put forth invalid. Further, it's been brought to my attention on countless occasions that I am a smartass who's not quite sure when to keep his mouth shut. Even though I've been working out a lot so I don't need to keep my mouth shut, that doesn't help in a classroom full of things I can't hit... with my fists.
If only my class was full of this.
My inability to refrain from making a joke once I've seen it will undoubtedly cause my in-class problems. Couple this with the crippling penis, and that's quite a sticky situation. I am going to be repressed in my Women's Studies class. Fortunately, I have spent many hours thinking up solutions to this.
Plan 1. Seduce everyone. I will enter the classroom in my best Southeast Asian clothing, ensuring I'm wearing a shade of blue somewhere. I will build a foundation with each and every woman in the class, exchange numbers, and be the only man each and every one of them will ever need. I will make offhand comments about how much money I have as I ask them to tell me about themselves. I will show them pictures of my iPod speakers. I will be marriage material. (I should consider using my posh English accent to make this even easier)
I will then arrange a personal meeting with my professor, during which I will make her forget about her husband (if she has one). I will make sure she's aware that I love feminists and feminism and professors.
After I have every female in the classroom in my pocket, I will sustain a system of dating each and every one of them (I will need a lot of money for flowers,dinners, movies, picnics, trips to amusement parks, and chocolate). What this will accomplish is simple, no woman will argue with me in class for fear of ruining our relationship, and my professor will reward me with an A.
Plan 2. Crossdress. I look like a woman in makeup. How I know this is irrelevant. I would have to explain why I was a man last class by complaining about my current identity crisis. I can say I was feeling repressed by men and just wanted a taste of the power. Foolproof, but this plan implies less sex with girls and more sex with men than Plan 1.
Plan 3. Remove my penis. This will ensure my opinions are valid.
While I'm leaning toward the first plan, I haven't come to a final decision yet. The first plan requires a reasonable amount of effort and logistical prowess, but the rewards are substantial. The second plan is easy enough, but lacks the bonuses supplied by the first plan. The third plan is arguably the easiest and instantly overcomes the feminist/man barrier, but I wouldn't have a penis anymore; I like having a penis.
I use it to be this.
And to do this well.
I have some thinking to do. I'd ask for your opinions, readers, but chances are you'll ask me to remove my penis.